High and Low - This week I took my 2 year old to see a play therapist. I think that experience was probably both a high and a low for me. Low because... well who wants to take their two year old to therapy? We have obviously gotten so totally off track as parents that the concern is there for Grace's mental health through all this. High because the therapist thought she was functioning very typically for a two year old and in fact commented several times that her verbal development and her mental connections were far greater then she expected out of a just turned two year old. I also set up with her to start my own personal therapy in January. I really felt good about this therapist and her genuine spirit but also her none shy way of expressing her thoughts and making you think. I will start therapy with her at the beginning of January. Grace will go back and be seen again in February, to check up on things and talk about other changes that will be happening.
Low - December 3rd Bean, my first tiny baby, was put to rest. We attempted to have her adopted and actually found three different families who wanted her, but each time she was returned after a short period. She was always a very stressed and anxious dog and being passed from home to home was too much for her. They said she just cried the whole time, she also cried the majority of time with Gabe those last few weeks. Bean was my little controller. She turned grey so early trying to keep track of all of us, Grace included, and her little body couldn't handle the changes. Gabe was with her as well as my Mom when she passed. My dad met them at the house and they buried her in the back yard. I have cried most days since I knew it was going to happen until today, right now. I feel sad that we couldn't continue providing a stable environment for her, I feel sad she couldn't adjust to a new family, but I also feel that the decision was the right one, it was the decision that was best for Bean. Gabe said once the medicine was administered and she layed down you could see peace finally come over her. I don't think I had seen her truly peaceful since we lived in Morganton and she would lay in the back yard eating peaches. That is how I want to remember her. I loved you so much Bean, thank you for teaching me how to be a good Mommy.
High - We finally picked a middle name for our son. The first name we choice was Isaac Louis. Louis is also Gabe's middle name, which is why it was the pick. After all this happened I didn't feel that choice was right. I want Isaac to feel his path is not set by his earthly father, but his heavenly father instead. I do not want him to feel he is destined to follow in anyone's footsteps. His name will be Isaac Levi. Levi means joined in harmony. Regardless of all this mess surrounding the pregnancy and birth of my son I want him to know without a doubt that months before he was conceived he was prayed for, he was wanted, and he was loved. Nothing about his conception was clouded. He was so wanted, and still is so wanted. When I think of my son, I know he will be the harmony. The sweet addition that will make our song into a beautiful symphony. He will be our Isaac Levi.
Things still continue to shift every day as Gabe and I learn more about ourselves and each other. We still have serious conversations most days, but we also still just talk about our days and make jokes. It is a weird place to be in for sure, one that I am trying to use as wisely as possible but is also very confusing.
Things we could still use a lot of prayer on.
-Both of us figuring out what genuine means. What does it look like? How will we know when we see it?
-Consistently looking to God for prayer and praise throughout the day, not just scheduled times.
-Learning to trust again, and being trustworthy
-Figuring out how to move forward, what relationships and possessions should we carry with us into this next chapter, and which ones are best left behind with all the brokenness of the past.
-Healing
Each week continues to have its own struggles, its own ups and downs, highs and lows. Such a simple example and yet one that so clearly explains what I mean is the mail. One day this week I received a care package from a friend. It was filled with things just to make Grace and I smile, cozy slippers, stretch mark cream, hot chocolate, a puzzle, and more. Reading the upbeat letter and just realizing how much we are loved and how even though so much has changed so little has changed at the same time. I felt honored and blessed.
Later this week we received a handwritten letter just to Grace. The letter had a totally different vibe. It was all about the sender and how they were feeling, and even ended telling my two year old that the sender had a hard November because of a small sadness going on in their life. When I read this I felt sad and honestly kind of angry. My two year old has lost more since November 2nd then most people lose in years. She lost her home, both her dogs, her daddy, the feeling of safety. She lost way more then a little person should have to lose. I felt so sad for the sender, that they would be so caught up in themselves to send a letter like this to my baby. What was the point?
I feel like this is the exact example of how life is and how it will continue to be for the rest of our lives. There will be moments that show us how beautiful this world is that God created, how blessed we are by friendship, love, His grace. There will also be moments that will bring in a cloud, an unexpected storm, there will be times that are hard to get through and things we do not understand. But even in those moments we need to stand still and see where God is working and what our next move should be.
So that is what I am doing. I am standing still during this storm and trying to see where God is working and what my next move should be.
Earlier in November a few things I missed out on sharing:
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