It is also my take two for baby having, my take two for raising a toddler through love and patience, my take two on a marriage with this man who God created to teach me, to support me, for me to learn what real love is.
Now 2+ months away from finding out, some things in life are totally different and will never go back to the way they were before. Some things in life feel almost exactly the same. Some things in life we still just do not know the answers to, the answers aren't for us to know or for us to share. God's timing seems to be perfect.
When I first found out about the unfaithfulness in my marriage I remember being so frustrated with the timing of it. I was PREGNANT! I had a constant reminder every day that the life I thought I was living, it disappeared. I was in no way trying to "save our marriage" by having another baby - I did not even know our marriage needed saving. I was so blind and hopeless. It didn't take God long to show me how wrong I was, and how perfect his timing really happened to be. I am carrying a son who is special. He is uniquely designed by God and he has big plans for this little boy. Had I found out about the unfaithfulness (although not yet physical) prior to conceiving, this son would not be here. If I had found out about the unfaithfulness years after the fact, my husband would not have had a chance to face his past, to face his current demons, to become a man after God's heart. My son would have had a broken example of what a father is here on earth. God allowed 6 months for Gabe's heart to start to heal. Time to set his priorities in line, time to become an earthly example of our heavenly father, so that my son, this special boy, can see God's light each day.
This is not to say everything is fixed in 6 months, or even 6 years or even 60 years. It is to say that broken people, the ones who have fallen the furthest, the ones who have already lost it all and have nothing left to lose, they can be used by God. Maybe this is because they have lost everything so there is nothing left to crowd out God's voice in the night. Maybe it is because there is no option for them, but to scream out for help. Whatever the reason is I know my family has been there. We are still there, and the fear that I felt thinking about that place, and even the fear I felt when we first arrive, its melting away and hope is replacing it.
The question I get the most know is something along the lines of "so where are you with everything now". Everything. That is such a huge word. Where are we? We have no idea. To even try to explain it in words is beyond me. Things I do know.
-As for me and my family - we will worship the Lord. and we do, we do this every morning, afternoon and evening. We start the day talking about God and praying is our last breath. He has become a constant in our life - the only dependable thing in our life, and we are so grateful for the gift of knowing him.
-We are broken. There is nothing that will change that, this situation changed us, if you want to get us crying start talking about it, both of us will. It was and still is very sad. It was and still is very frustrating. Living in a state of feeling sorry for ourselves and rehashing the past isn't where we want to be. Our goals for 2014 are love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, patience and self control. No where have we listed grief or sadness or anger. Yes we can feel those things, but we choose joy. We choose God.
-We are normal. We still do normal things even though our purpose is more intentional, we still have normal in our lives. We still go to the grocery store, we still clean the house, we still hug and kiss, we still say sorry, we still read stories together as a family before bed. We are still normal people.
Many people ask me how, how can I live not knowing if it will happen again, how can I take him back not knowing if it is true or if there are still hidden lies. The answer is I can't. God told me there is something special about this time, there is something I am supposed to learn here. I am patiently waiting and learning how to be a great wife, one who serves, one who listens, one who has sweet, soft words. I am learning how to be all those things for ME. God doesn't care who it is we are married to, he cares about our character, about our heart and soul. These things I am learning I will carry on to heaven with me.
No one can make you happy. No one can satisfy all of your needs. No one can complete you or make you feel whole. In the same way - you can not make anyone else happy. You can not satisfy anyone else's needs. You can not complete or make anyone feel whole. This is one of the biggest things I have learned. With God, all things are possible - without him nothing is.
I choose God, I choose joy, I choose love. I choose not to worry about what other people think about my decision, I choose not to spend time worrying about things I have no control over. I choose to place my trust in the Lord, for he is good. His good may mean that we have a faithful, strong, loving, marriage for the rest of our lives, or it may mean that Gabe is not ready and I will move on. Either way I will have God. I will be ok.
Snap shot of our lives the last few weeks.
Checkers with Boppy.
This post is beautifully written and so real and honest. I can see The Lord is truly working. I love Isaac's corner! Jancsi had a closet (literally) at one if our places since there was no other space. You are right though, they don't notice the space or the adorable decorations that we Mamas agonize over. All they sense is the love and protection we give which is all that matters anyway! Praying for you all as you walk each day with purpose, and the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly!
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