Christmas

Christmas. A time to stop and celebrate the amazing gift that God gave to us when he sent his son. I am not sure if it has more to do with the fact I am carrying my own son, or the fact that the last 2 months have been so incredibly emotional and taxing, but wow it really hit me this year. Not only did he send Jesus knowing the pain he would go through as he was crucified for our sins, but also the fact that he sent him as a newborn. There is nothing more helpless then a newborn, they literally depend on their moms and dads for everything, and yet helpless is how Christ came into this world. Helpless to help myself is pretty much how I have felt the last two months, and yet miraculously placing all my trust and hope in God has given me a firmer foundation to stand on then I have ever had before. I feel totally broken, and yet also totally whole.

On the pregnancy front, Isaac is growing healthy and strong. I was cleared to begin exercising again. I went on a two mile walk with Uncle Taylor and have pretty much been sore ever since. That was almost a week ago now. I am hoping to go out this week a couple times for a two mile walk - but we will see. Grace was thrilled to be back in the Bob. :)

Uncle Taylor had off Christmas Eve so he came over and helped us make cookies for Santa. Grace has continued to be very firm on her conviction that Santa could leave all presents outside, and that Mommy could bring them in. This girl makes my heart sing.

We have enjoyed the holidays with Mimi and Boppy and feel seriously blessed to have them as role models in our lives. I know they are my parents, and I know I feel the same way about Grace, but it constantly amazes me how not only did my life change completely at the end of October, but so did theirs. They jumped in and helped with Grace, helped us feel safe in our apartment, helped us to create a sense of home and normalcy at a time when everything felt so out of control. God is good. I thank him every day for blessing me with my Mom and Dad. <3

If you had told me on Halloween there was a chance that Christmas would be without Gabe. I would not have been able to fathom what you were saying. Then again if you had told me on my birthday (Nov. 4) that Gabe would be living with us again on Christmas and things would be better then they were before... I would equally have been completely confused by what you were saying. God has a powerful way of using devastating situations to shake up our lives and make us rely more fully on him.

We made our traditional Christmas Eve Dinner. Sour Soup, oplatki, shrimp, dates, apricots, tortellini, to celebrate the kids Polish, and Italian heritage. This year Grace helped out making the soup. She is such a good helper these days.

We also opened Christmas presents from out of town relatives. Thank you so much for those of you who sent us gifts, we feel blessed beyond words.

We headed to Mimi and Boppys to do some pre Christmas Celebrating, playing games, making Christmas tree stickers, doing puzzles and making home made ice cream on their new machine. There was so much laughing and joy. It is so amazing to see how far we have come as a family - the whole family.

Christmas Morning is here! We had a lovely slow day - the very best kind. Santa did come... and all the presents were brought inside :) We sang happy birthday to Jesus and talked about how we exchange gifts because God gave his ultimate gift for us. We opened presents slowly between meals, breakfast and Mimi and Boppy's, nap time, Christmas Dinner with everyone again.

 It was fun to see how Grace really enjoyed each gift and wanted to play fully with it before rushing to the next one. I love how she was in no hurry to see if the next gift was even "better" then the one before. If she opened a book, she wanted to read it 10 times. If she opened a dress, she wanted to wear it. Each gift held it's own value and wasn't compared to any other gift or treated unkindly. I hope I can learn to live life the way my two year old enjoyed Christmas. Each moment beautiful to enjoy and not comparable to any other moment, taking the time to stop and truly enjoy.

 

Talking with Gigi on the telephone was a big hit on Christmas morning. Grace was pretty sure that Gigi was inside the speaker - and we should figure out how to get her voice out :)

These two... like Uncle, like niece. I am forever amazed by their bond, and how good it feels knowing if something happened to Gabe and I, this guy would take care of, and love my precious girl.

We were blessed by gifts both for Grace, Isaac, Gabe and me, but the best gift we got this Christmas was acceptance. The ability to be a family with all of our family. It has been a long two months, but the sincerity, vulnerability and openness that has come out of this terrible mess has blown me away.

Merry Christmas from our amazingly, adorable, energetic and exciting two year old who every day continues to blow us away with her inner strength, love for helping, and ability to figure out new things.

And looking forward to a Happy New Year in 2014, where hopefully we learn from and leave this year behind as we await the arrival of our tiny gift and pray for even more blessings and miracles as we lean on God and follow his path for our lives during this next chapter.

xoxo
Mommy & Daddy

God's Love

Our totally normal and yet everything but normal life continues. I actually had to go back and read my post from two weeks ago to remember how I was feeling then, and how much is the same, as well as how much has changed since that day. Life isn't "perfect" It will never be perfect again. I think that my definition of what a life should be like somehow got totally messed up along the way. Before life was about  having kids, raising them up to be positive healthy members of society, having friends, having it all together. Now my definition of life would be completely different. 

Life is not about having it all together - from the outside my current life is still a total mess, it isn't pretty. It has huge black paint blobs spilled all over the canvas, but it's what is coming from that mess that gives life it's meaning. Life is about depending on God. It is about realizing that we are helpless to help ourselves... we literally can't do it alone. It's about taking time to stop and actually listen. It's about stopping 100 times a day to remember to thank God for what we have, and to ask him for the things we need. It's about deep connections with the people in your life, telling them the real stuff going on, and not wasting time on small chat or superfluous things. It's about having the kind of relationship with your spouse where you talk about the dark thoughts you have, and you feel safe and accepted and encouraged to be better. It's about raising small people and teaching them by example how you turn to God in times of joy and sadness. It's about so much more then just "having it all together" because let's face it. Do any of us actually have it all together?

Life these days in some ways is better then it has been in years. Yes it was pushed to the place it is today because of Gabe's choices. No, I am not thankful he made the choices he made. Quite the opposite, I still wish he had not made them. However, if he had not made them we might still be in the shallow life that filled much of the past years. We have been pushed to a new level of learning and loving about God, about each other, about our family. Although we still work every day on figuring out what happened, figuring out how to prevent it, figuring out how to really trust again, this day is better then any of the days were before.

We are learning about cutting out the things in life that aren't important. We hardly watch TV these days, we hardly read stories about the news. When we are together we rarely get out our phones to do anything. Most apps have been deleted off both phones. Facebook/twitter/instagram have been edited to include only close friends and family and even then we are rarely on them. We needed to get back to the basics. We needed to start again and refocus our lives.

The pictures so far have been Grace just enjoying being. I want her to learn to be still and enjoy quiet moments. We have quiet time every morning where I read the bible/devotional and she has learned how to play quietly and even read herself sometimes. She is still totally Grace full of energy and smiles but now I spend more time actually enjoying each one. I have always ALWAYS loved my daughter with every fiber in my body. Now I am excited about the life I am going to provide for her, a slower one filled with more deliberate activities.

Daddy. This past week Daddy moved into our apartment. No, we are not "staying together for the kids" or "feeling obligated because its the right thing to do" Daddy moved back in because despite how bad he let it get, despite the fact he let the devil take over for whatever reason, I am more in love with the man he is today then I ever was before. This doesn't mean we have it all together, I don't think we ever will. But we are both trying, and we are talking about what is working and what isn't working. We actually talk about not just the shallow surface stuff but we talk about the deeper feelings going on.

  

It was a hard decision and an easy decision at the same time. Hard because I am putting my faith in God, he has been so present in our life these last 7 weeks and I am stepping out into the rushing water knowing he will catch me. Hard because I am having to test my trust in Gabe, trusting that he will talk about it if he feels tempted, trusting that he will not close me off and begin the circle of lies.

It has been an easy decision because he is my partner and companion. He has become such an amazing father in the last 7 weeks. Not just what he thinks a father should be, but he actually IS. Amazing how when you lose something, it becomes that much more valuable. Not only did he lose us, but we lost him too. Grace is so happy having both parents in one house. When he first moved in she would go into our closet and walk through going "all daddy's clothes here" big smiles.

Gabe and I actually have a post nuptial now attached to our marriage. It is specifically in the case of Gabe's being unfaithful in the future. If he is unfaithful he will voluntarily give me full custody of both kids as well as pay a pretty steep amount as a pain and suffering payment. Gabe is fully confident that he will absolutely never cheat again. I am confident that if he does, God will still protect me and my babies and we will live comfortably.

I love this family and I know God is working big time in each of our lives. We appreciate every minute we have and take none of it for granite. We continue to pray that God heals us individually and together as a family. We also pray that we never forget how easily it can all disappear so that we are always overcome with gratitude.

Aside from diligently working on our family life these past two weeks, we also had time for some holiday cheer. Here are a few pictures from various activities. Making cookies with good friends.

 Seeing Disney on Ice with Mommy and Daddy.

 Making Christmas crafts to decorate her room.

 Trying out Cary's open gym and playing with Mimi.

 Ice cream dates with Uncle Tay Tay.

 Splashing in puddles with our new winter boots.

Grace Jacklyn & Isaac Levi,

Your Daddy and I are forever grateful for you. We are forever in love with you. We are constantly amazed by you. We want you to know that we will always be here and always listen with open hearts. We want to know about your fears and your joys. We want to cry with you when you are sad and we want to laugh with you when you are happy. When you mess up, and you will, we want to talk about it and help you get back on the right track, but we will never judge you. When you make great progress we want to celebrate with you and cheer on your success. When you realize, and someday you will, that we make mistakes too, that we have fallen short of the glory of God, we want you to know then that only God himself can be enough for you, but we will continue to strive to be an earthly example of what God's great love is all about.

xoxo

Mommy (and Daddy too)

highs and lows

Today I want to take a minute and talk about some of the highs and lows I have experienced over the last week. I also want to include at the bottom of the blog some of the events type things that happened in November that I didn't include previously.

High and Low - This week I took my 2 year old to see a play therapist. I think that experience was probably both a high and a low for me. Low because... well who wants to take their two year old to therapy? We have obviously gotten so totally off track as parents that the concern is there for Grace's mental  health through all this. High because the therapist thought she was functioning very typically for a two year old and in fact commented several times that her verbal development and her mental connections were far greater then she expected out of a just turned two year old. I also set up with her to start my own personal therapy in January. I really felt good about this therapist and her genuine spirit but also her none shy way of expressing her thoughts and making you think. I will start therapy with her at the beginning of January. Grace will go back and be seen again in February, to check up on things and talk about other changes that will be happening.

Low - December 3rd Bean, my first tiny baby, was put to rest. We attempted to have her adopted and actually found three different families who wanted her, but each time she was returned after a short period. She was always a very stressed and anxious dog and being passed from home to home was too much for her. They said she just cried the whole time, she also cried the majority of time with Gabe those last few weeks. Bean was my little controller. She turned grey so early trying to keep track of all of us, Grace included, and her little body couldn't handle the changes. Gabe was with her as well as my Mom when she passed. My dad met them at the house and they buried her in the back yard. I have cried most days since I knew it was going to happen until today, right now. I feel sad that we couldn't continue providing a stable environment for her, I feel sad she couldn't adjust to a new family, but I also feel that the decision was the right one, it was the decision that was best for Bean. Gabe said once the medicine was administered and she layed down you could see peace finally come over her. I don't think I had seen her truly peaceful since we lived in Morganton and she would lay in the back yard eating peaches. That is how I want to remember her. I loved you so much Bean, thank you for teaching me how to be a good Mommy.

High and Low - December 4th Athens was adopted into his new family. It is a low because once again we said goodbye to a beloved pet, but it is also a high because the family he is now apart of is an amazing one. We email regularly about Athens, they are absolutely in love with him. They have a one year old daughter and apparently Athens and her are quite enamored with each other. Athens buddy, as I pulled away after dropping you off in Greensboro (We met half way - the new family lives in Charlotte) My eyes were full of tears. You were a good boy, you protected us well, you knew when to lay next to my feet if I was having a bad day and you loved going out in the yard and just running. Your new family's first comment was that it was so obvious you were such a loved dog. You were.

High and Low - Our house was put on the market on Thursday. The sign was up and people started coming by for showings. This was a high because it needed to happen for us to move on, regardless of what moving on looks like. It was a high because the house really does look wonderful. As I look through the pictures on the real estate houses I am reminded of all the great memories in that house. There were so many. All the hours fixing it up, all the hours preparing for a baby, bringing Grace home, so many great things. Then it was also a low. There were also a lot of secrets in that house, things I didn't know, things that changed everything. My feelings are confused about so many memories in the past, what is real, what was a lie, how do you move on? I am still trying to sort it all out.

High - We actually just found out this afternoon that someone has offered full price for the house. They would like to close on January 15th. We of course have accepted their offer. Now we begin hopefully the end of this chapter. Prayers are still greatly needed as we go through inspections and appraisals.

High - We finally picked a middle name for our son. The first name we choice was Isaac Louis. Louis is also Gabe's middle name, which is why it was the pick. After all this happened I didn't feel that choice was right. I want Isaac to feel his path is not set by his earthly father, but his heavenly father instead. I do not want him to feel he is destined to follow in anyone's footsteps. His name will be Isaac Levi. Levi means joined in harmony. Regardless of all this mess surrounding the pregnancy and birth of my son I want him to know without a doubt that months before he was conceived he was prayed for, he was wanted, and he was loved. Nothing about his conception was clouded. He was so wanted, and still is so wanted. When I think of my son, I know he will be the harmony. The sweet addition that will make our song into a beautiful symphony. He will be our Isaac Levi.

Things still continue to shift every day as Gabe and I learn more about ourselves and each other. We still have serious conversations most days, but we also still just talk about our days and make jokes. It is a weird place to be in for sure, one that I am trying to use as wisely as possible but is also very confusing.

Things we could still use a lot of prayer on.
-Both of us figuring out what genuine means. What does it look like? How will we know when we see it?
-Consistently looking to God for prayer and praise throughout the day, not just scheduled times.
-Learning to trust again, and being trustworthy
-Figuring out how to move forward, what relationships and possessions should we carry with us into this next chapter, and which ones are best left behind with all the brokenness of the past.
-Healing

Each week continues to have its own struggles, its own ups and downs, highs and lows. Such a simple example and yet one that so clearly explains what I mean is the mail. One day this week I received a care package from a friend. It was filled with things just to make Grace and I smile, cozy slippers, stretch mark cream, hot chocolate, a puzzle, and more. Reading the upbeat letter and just realizing how much we are loved and how even though so much has changed so little has changed at the same time. I felt honored and blessed.

Later this week we received a handwritten letter just to Grace. The letter had a totally different vibe. It was all about the sender and how they were feeling, and even ended telling my two year old that the sender had a hard November because of a small sadness going on in their life. When I read this I felt sad and honestly kind of angry. My two year old has lost more since November 2nd then most people lose in years. She lost her home, both her dogs, her daddy, the feeling of safety. She lost way more then a little person should have to lose. I felt so sad for the sender, that they would be so caught up in themselves to send a letter like this to my baby. What was the point?

I feel like this is the exact example of how life is and how it will continue to be for the rest of our lives. There will be moments that show us how beautiful this world is that God created, how blessed we are by friendship, love, His grace. There will also be moments that will bring in a cloud, an unexpected storm, there will be times that are hard to get through and things we do not understand. But even in those moments we need to stand still and see where God is working and what our next move should be.

So that is what I am doing. I am standing still during this storm and trying to see where God is working and what my next move should be.

Earlier in November a few things I missed out on sharing:

November 4th felt like I was a kid again waking up on my birthday. Okay minus the whole devastation and tears throughout the day - but Daddy had decorated it all up and as a bonus there was an adorable toddler to take stock of everything that was out. :)

Grace had her first hair cut. Mommy got her hair cut at the same time. Grace LOVED it. She requested a blow dryer at the end and when it was over told the lady, more hair cut please. lol I love this kid.

A picture of our new apartment - still need to take some more pictures for next week so you can see the final product, but I love the windows and light in this place. It always feels so open and airy. Grace especially likes the porch. I am sure in the spring it will be a big hit again.

We have watched a LOT of little mermaid. Most mornings I wake to a tiny singing voice "Look at dis stuff, in nit it neeeat" It is such a joyous sound.

Happy 80th birthday Gigi! She was here for her 80th birthday and we had a wonderful dinner party with most of the extended family and friends.

Grace has learned how to clean up her own messes... now that there are no dogs to do it for her. She is actually very good with a hand broom and pan.

 She still smiles a lot. I love seeing this girls smile.

Another room in our apartment. Boppy helped us put up stain glass on the windows. It creates the most beautiful rainbows (and hides the air conditioning until behind them).

We went for our first nature class with Boppy. We will end the little gym on January 15th and have filled the first half of 2014 with classes through the town of Cary. Between Mimi, Boppy and me we hope to continue keeping this girl active and engaged even during the end of my pregnancy and life with a newborn.

We started getting ready for Christmas. We also took great pictures of just Grace but those were for the Christmas cards... so you will have to wait a bit more to see them. :)

Gabe helped me set up the crib for Isaac. It felt like just yesterday we were doing this for Grace. It feels a lot more like something that is going to really happen now that we see the crib everyday.

 I love going on beautiful walks with my two kids. Yup here is Grace...

 and here is Isaac... :)

Thats all for now. xo - Mommy