Smiles and Tears

Two year olds. Seriously by far my favorite space of life this little girl has been in thus far. The sincerity in which she looks up and asks questions, the amount of information she knows and shares with us, being able to ask her questions and get actual answers back, I love, love, love it.

Last weekend we picked her up from "preschool" after church and took her to dinner. Gabe and I asked her what she had learned at church and her eyes got so bright, she immediately looked at us, pointed up and said God is and then took her hands and made a huge circle and said EVERYWHERE! Wow! I mean this little peanut two short years ago was kicking away inside my belly just like her brother is currently, and now look at her. Absolutely amazing.

We are trying to teach her different words, "fancy" words. We told her she was a "fabulous Grace" She looked at us and laughed saying, I am not fabulous Grace, I am amazing Grace! Yes since she was a baby we have sung to her "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound" so now she is one amazing Grace that is for sure!

Along with this being the most amazing time, two is also giving this hormonal third trimester mama some serious work on patience and finding peace. Trust me - I still have a long way to go! Grace now picks out all her own clothes (I give her two options for a shirt, pants, socks and shoes and she picks which ones she wants) However lately even after making her selections and putting them on she will decide it is absolutely the worst thing she could possibly be wearing. This proceeds into a giant lump of brilliant two year old on the floor kicking and yelling.

I believe God is using my two year old to remind me about life. There is no "perfect all the time" and there is no "awful all the time" Life is not a period of joy and then a period of grief, each day is filled with both, joy and grief, smiles and tears, they are all mixed together every day to make this beautiful painting we call life. It is our choice each day to look to God, to call on him for help, to focus on the joy and the smiles.

My precious family has been through a lot during the last 3 months. Wow I can't believe its already been almost three months. There were awful moments and there were tears. There were decisions made selfishly and there were decisions made in frustration, sadness and anger. However in all that mess there was still beauty every day. I fell in love with my husband again - we literally had to start dating from scratch and relearn about each other (we are still working on this). I watched my husband fall in love with being a Dad. He always loved Grace - but he is actually loving being a great parent and figuring out what that means. My point is, life is a jumble of emotions and good/bad times. We have to take each moment and figure out how to shine God's light through us, to see his plan and learn the lessons we need to.

The rest of the pictures from the last two weeks are snap shots of our life and what is happening. We keep having this dream that our next phase of life will include moving a bit off of the beaten path, having a few acres and some animals, and learning to slow down and appreciate each moment. We got to explore an old farm in Raleigh where we picked cotton, practiced collecting eggs from chickens, and even got to see live goats. Grace had a blast.

We are still working on tot school every day. It is important to me that we keep this girls brain learning new things. She is absorbing so much right now I want to make sure it is the right stuff going in there. Creativity, compassion, imagination, love, sharing, kindness, joy, lots of joy. Here Grace is making snowflakes using glue and salt.

 Mommy and Grace had an ice cream date :) I love spending time with my girl.

Story time at the library. We are still trying to do this weekly/biweekly. She has really gotten into picking out books to take home and Daddy reads a story after dinner each night from the special "library" shelf.

We went back to the dentist. Grace's teeth look great! This time she went to the same dentist that Mommy, Daddy, Mimi and Boppy all go to. She was a champion.

 Sorting colors. Always a fun early morning activity.

We also got out the scissors for the first time ever! She loved trying to figure out how to cut and would probably do this every day if I let her! After we cut the paper up, Grace glued it down using stick glue. It was a fun project.

We actually had the second time ever in her little life that I took her to the Dr. because I was worried that she just wasn't acting herself and perhaps had caught a bug with all this crazy weather we have been having. Dr said it was just a common cold and she would be fine in a day or two - the next morning she woke up totally back to normal!

Grace and Daddy went on a daddy/daughter date while Mommy got a prenatal massage! I love the dinner they had... fries, onion rings and hot wings. hehe. There is something about dinners with Daddy in charge that just aren't the same when Mommy is cooking. :)

Here is our after church dinner place. It is a really cool restaurant called the Diner. We love going there with its 50's vibe and Grace eats the worlds largest chocolate chip pancake. She would probably eat chocolate chip pancakes for every meal all week long if we would let her.

 She got to bring teddy in the car, which was a very exciting thing for sure. Normally he stays in bed.

Mommy and Daddy made our first loaf of bread. We are trying to bake our own lunch bread these days... we still have some work to do. It turned out a bit smaller then we thought it would, hehe. We are trying a different recipe for this weeks.

 Grace didn't seem bothered by the size, she loved it! Just a little butter on top and this girl ate two slices.

So that is all for now. We obviously still have a long way in our recovery process. We still have tough days and we still have great days. Gabe and I are both going to counseling now on a regular basis. We know the journey is going to be long and sometimes trying, but we have already experienced some of the amazing joy God is blessing us with and we are so excited to continue looking up and having God guide our family for his purpose.
xo
Mommy

Take Two

This is my take two. My second chance to figure out my purpose here on Earth. My second chance to learn how to be a servant and one that does so willingly and full of joy. My second chance to have a relationship with God.

It is also my take two for baby having, my take two for raising a toddler through love and patience, my take two on a marriage with this man who God created to teach me, to support me, for me to learn what real love is.

Now 2+ months away from finding out, some things in life are totally different and will never go back to the way they were before. Some things in life feel almost exactly the same. Some things in life we still just do not know the answers to, the answers aren't for us to know or for us to share. God's timing seems to be perfect.

When I first found out about the unfaithfulness in my marriage I remember being so frustrated with the timing of it. I was PREGNANT! I had a constant reminder every day that the life I thought I was living, it disappeared. I was in no way trying to "save our marriage" by having another baby - I did not even know our marriage needed saving. I was so blind and hopeless. It didn't take God long to show me how wrong I was, and how perfect his timing really happened to be. I am carrying a son who is special. He is uniquely designed by God and he has big plans for this little boy. Had I found out about the unfaithfulness (although not yet physical) prior to conceiving, this son would not be here. If I had found out about the unfaithfulness years after the fact, my husband would not have had a chance to face his past, to face his current demons, to become a man after God's heart. My son would have had a broken example of what a father is here on earth. God allowed 6 months for Gabe's heart to start to heal. Time to set his priorities in line, time to become an earthly example of our heavenly father, so that my son, this special boy, can see God's light each day.

This is not to say everything is fixed in 6 months, or even 6 years or even 60 years. It is to say that broken people, the ones who have fallen the furthest, the ones who have already lost it all and have nothing left to lose, they can be used by God. Maybe this is because they have lost everything so there is nothing left to crowd out God's voice in the night. Maybe it is because there is no option for them, but to scream out for help. Whatever the reason is I know my family has been there. We are still there, and the fear that I felt thinking about that place, and even the fear I felt when we first arrive, its melting away and hope is replacing it.

The question I get the most know is something along the lines of "so where are you with everything now". Everything. That is such a huge word. Where are we? We have no idea. To even try to explain it in words is beyond me. Things I do know.

-As for me and my family - we will worship the Lord. and we do, we do this every morning, afternoon and evening. We start the day talking about God and praying is our last breath. He has become a constant in our life - the only dependable thing in our life, and we are so grateful for the gift of knowing him.

-We are broken. There is nothing that will change that, this situation changed us, if you want to get us crying start talking about it, both of us will. It was and still is very sad. It was and still is very frustrating. Living in a state of feeling sorry for ourselves and rehashing the past isn't where we want to be. Our goals for 2014 are love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, patience and self control. No where have we listed grief or sadness or anger. Yes we can feel those things, but we choose joy. We choose God.

-We are normal. We still do normal things even though our purpose is more intentional, we still have normal in our lives. We still go to the grocery store, we still clean the house, we still hug and kiss, we still say sorry, we still read stories together as a family before bed. We are still normal people.

Many people ask me how, how can I live not knowing if it will happen again, how can I take him back not knowing if it is true or if there are still hidden lies. The answer is I can't. God told me there is something special about this time, there is something I am supposed to learn here. I am patiently waiting and learning how to be a great wife, one who serves, one who listens, one who has sweet, soft words. I am learning how to be all those things for ME. God doesn't care who it is we are married to, he cares about our character, about our heart and soul. These things I am learning I will carry on to heaven with me.

No one can make you happy. No one can satisfy all of your needs. No one can complete you or make you feel whole. In the same way - you can not make anyone else happy. You can not satisfy anyone else's needs. You can not complete or make anyone feel whole. This is one of the biggest things I have learned. With God, all things are possible - without him nothing is.

I choose God, I choose joy, I choose love. I choose not to worry about what other people think about my decision, I choose not to spend time worrying about things I have no control over. I choose to place my trust in the Lord, for he is good. His good may mean that we have a faithful, strong, loving, marriage for the rest of our lives, or it may mean that Gabe is not ready and I will move on. Either way I will have God. I will be ok.

Snap shot of our lives the last few weeks.
Checkers with Boppy.

 Museum fun with  Uncle Taylor.

 Swinging at the park with Mommy and Daddy.

Baby Isaac's corner is starting to come together. It may not be a whole room like he was going to have, but I think he will feel loved and cherished.

 Open Gym time at Bond Park.

Eating the chocolate Santa we got from Uncle Taylor.... so far he is missing legs, which at first she found rather scary - and then hystarical.

2nd big girl haircut - just getting the back trimmed up and the bangs shortened.

Mommy at 26 weeks with Isaac. I'm up to an 8 lb gain this pregnancy! He is growing, and moving, that is for sure.

 Princess birthday party for a friend - and we got to meet Cinderella! Grace was in awe.

New years hat!

Decorating winter trees by adding buttons and white paint for snow - no we have not seen any snow yet this year.

Another day of painting, made the fridge into an easel. She loved it and actually painted a second entire picture. I love how she focuses her painting on specific spots - she paints the sun, trees, clouds, and not just totally random painting. She is growing so fast.

My all smiles toddler. What a blessing. This right here is worth smiling and laughing through each day. Thank you God for Grace, she truly is an undeserved gift.