So I have come to the realization in the last week that I have absolutely no me time. It actually kind of surprised me when the moment of enlightenment first struck, but wow it struck hard. What happened to the hours of time I had as a stay at home mom of a baby.
I used to have so much time I didn’t even know what to do with it all. The refrigerator was spotless, (Ok if you know me, it was never spotless… but it was a lot more organized and more frequently wiped down then it is now) the laundry actually had a day it was done on… now its kind of a “you have no underwear? Me neither… guess I should throw in a load” or “ahh no more burp cloths again!” This kid – he is the king of spitting up I swear.
Or my personal favorite… Grace has run out of her “princess pajamas” yes those ones that are covered in Disney characters and cost $20 bucks. I refuse to buy them whole price – so until I see them at the consignment store, 3 is all we have… and we will just have to wash them until they completely fall apart…hopefully by the time that happens Grace will become a little more reasonable about wearing something else to bed. The point being there was a time I had time…. and somewhere between then and now all that time has disappeared.
At first I thought maybe it was because I know have two kids – right? I mean a second kid does add extra work and energy. Isaac is now 9 weeks and is starting to hit a point where he needs more. He doesn’t just sleep all the time. When he is awake, if he gets left in the swing and we leave the room, he cries for us to come back. He likes for us (grace and me) to coo over him and tickle his feet.
He smiles the most at Grace, probably because she is always bouncing around and talking to him in an incredibly high pitched noise that is probably exactly what I sound like to her.
Ok side tracked again – time, where did it go? I don’t think it is just having two kids, although I do think that adds. Then I realized that my first baby, that little tiny thing I could hold using one arm only 2.5 short years ago has turned into one of the most vivacious, energetic, spunky, intelligent, creative, ornery, curious, beautiful, emotional, loving, people I know.
Now when I spend time with my toddler I am no longer shaking a rattle at a little baby just staring back, but I am actually have conversations, like real conversations, when did that happen? She asks me “So how is your day going Mama?” and “Would you like to join me playing Mama” and “Mama can you read me a book… wait no, 5 books” lol
Having a toddler is a ton of energy, it’s like being on an emotional roller coaster all day long and you just can’t get off. It is absolutely the very, very best. The highest highs you could possibly have. Hearing “You are the best Mommy, I love you” can fill your whole soul up. And yet at the same time it is the lowest low, the most depressing and exhausting thing in the entire world. I am pretty sure having my toddler look at me and say “I don’t like you” followed by immediate tears and an “I am so sorry Mama, I do like you” was a rough moment for us. I am pretty sure my mouth dropped and my eyes were twice the size they normally are. Where do they even hear such things? Why do they have to test out everyone they hear and see if it works for them? I am very glad we have never heard that phrase again.
Point being, I have no me time. I am either sleeping, cooking, playing with Grace, feeding or singing to Isaac, paying bills, washing the ever full laundry, or cleaning up whatever current mess has exploded in our house.
I thought it might be fun to show one day in the life of my 2 year old. What does it really look like from 3:30 when she wakes from nap until 5:30 when someone else shows up. It can’t be that hard to entertain a small person for 2 hours right?? Now please keep in mind this is just what Grace is doing…. Isaac is also awake for a good chunk of it, riding on my belly in the Ergo or laying on his playmate next to her, I can’t imagine what will happen when he starts moving too! (Hopefully I have either doubled my energy or a few more hours have been added to each day.)
3:30-3:45 (for Grace puzzles are actually a great way to pass the time! Assuming she WANTS to put it together, if not it is about a 2 second activity – I got lucky today!)
Dolls 3:45-4:00 During this time I had to actively play with her, show her how to change their clothes, put on diapers and practice feeding them. She imitated what I did – but never did it independently. Constantly wanted me to “help”.
4:00-4:01 Barbie computer…. wouldn’t do what she wanted. I believe it was thrown on the floor.
4:01-4:10 Preparing, getting shoes, umbrella, ergo, walking, and turning around because of rain.
4:10-4:13 Chalk art on the garage floor, so we could watch the rain. Wasn’t a big hit.
4:13-4:30 Driving pink car around and sticking our head in a steady stream coming off the roof…. wildly entertaining… and wet.
4:30-5:00, drying off as much as possible, helping put Isaac down for a nap, and working on dinner (making cauliflower rice here)
5:00-5:10 Playing a game with Mommy, sorting fruit. must have gotten crazy after that because I can’t remember what we did after this and before Uncle Taylor was there for dinner
This week I started a daily bible study with Beth Moore. I have made a self commitment to read through my bible (the entire thing) this year 2014. So far I have read Genesis-Chronicles and Matthew-Acts. I love it, but I am craving more. When I am closest to Him, when I have spent time in His word and with Him I feel peaceful. It’s ok that I am not a perfect parent, and it’s ok that my kids aren’t perfect either. We are loved by the creator of the world. Loved just for us. Grace is loved by Him when she is running around naked inside a “little mermaid box”… don’t ask. Isaac is loved when he wakes up in the middle of the night more then his usual amount of times. I am loved even when I have to close my eyes and count to 10 so I don’t just run and hide from my kids…. When I take the time to remember that, I am actually my best version of me. Which happens to be a better mother, a better wife, a better daughter and a better friend.
My family, the one I was born into, is an absolute gift from God. They continually model his love and understanding… from my childhood until my adulthood. When I count to 10 and I still can’t feel peace, my Mom is still the first person I reach out to (besides Gabe that is, who is always the very first) Mom continues to show love and empathy for me as I am going through my own journey of motherhood. She reminds me it wasn’t always easy for her either, and that sometimes its flat out hard.
She also reminds me how amazing my two children are, even when I have briefly considered putting one or the other or lets be honest, both, on the curb with a “free” sign. She comes over when I am having a hard morning, and my Dad is quick to volunteer for “Boppy and Grace” time when I just need a moment to talk and cry.
My brother comes over for dinner once a week so we can talk about life, parenting, work, struggles, hopes, dreams. My family is that breath of fresh air I need on days I feel suffocated by small people. I am so thankful for them, and for living so close to them.
We just weren’t meant to walk this life of parenting alone. Whether its family or friends, we need people to talk with and cry with. We need people to remind us of the good, and to reassure us that the bad will pass. We need people who continue to shine God’s light in our life and lift us up and move us closer to Him as we navigate this earthly road. Thank you Jesus for today, for the good, the bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. <3
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