Our totally normal and yet everything but normal life continues. I actually had to go back and read my post from two weeks ago to remember how I was feeling then, and how much is the same, as well as how much has changed since that day. Life isn't "perfect" It will never be perfect again. I think that my definition of what a life should be like somehow got totally messed up along the way. Before life was about having kids, raising them up to be positive healthy members of society, having friends, having it all together. Now my definition of life would be completely different.
Life is not about having it all together - from the outside my current life is still a total mess, it isn't pretty. It has huge black paint blobs spilled all over the canvas, but it's what is coming from that mess that gives life it's meaning. Life is about depending on God. It is about realizing that we are helpless to help ourselves... we literally can't do it alone. It's about taking time to stop and actually listen. It's about stopping 100 times a day to remember to thank God for what we have, and to ask him for the things we need. It's about deep connections with the people in your life, telling them the real stuff going on, and not wasting time on small chat or superfluous things. It's about having the kind of relationship with your spouse where you talk about the dark thoughts you have, and you feel safe and accepted and encouraged to be better. It's about raising small people and teaching them by example how you turn to God in times of joy and sadness. It's about so much more then just "having it all together" because let's face it. Do any of us actually have it all together?
Life these days in some ways is better then it has been in years. Yes it was pushed to the place it is today because of Gabe's choices. No, I am not thankful he made the choices he made. Quite the opposite, I still wish he had not made them. However, if he had not made them we might still be in the shallow life that filled much of the past years. We have been pushed to a new level of learning and loving about God, about each other, about our family. Although we still work every day on figuring out what happened, figuring out how to prevent it, figuring out how to really trust again, this day is better then any of the days were before.
We are learning about cutting out the things in life that aren't important. We hardly watch TV these days, we hardly read stories about the news. When we are together we rarely get out our phones to do anything. Most apps have been deleted off both phones. Facebook/twitter/instagram have been edited to include only close friends and family and even then we are rarely on them. We needed to get back to the basics. We needed to start again and refocus our lives.
The pictures so far have been Grace just enjoying being. I want her to learn to be still and enjoy quiet moments. We have quiet time every morning where I read the bible/devotional and she has learned how to play quietly and even read herself sometimes. She is still totally Grace full of energy and smiles but now I spend more time actually enjoying each one. I have always ALWAYS loved my daughter with every fiber in my body. Now I am excited about the life I am going to provide for her, a slower one filled with more deliberate activities.
Daddy. This past week Daddy moved into our apartment. No, we are not "staying together for the kids" or "feeling obligated because its the right thing to do" Daddy moved back in because despite how bad he let it get, despite the fact he let the devil take over for whatever reason, I am more in love with the man he is today then I ever was before. This doesn't mean we have it all together, I don't think we ever will. But we are both trying, and we are talking about what is working and what isn't working. We actually talk about not just the shallow surface stuff but we talk about the deeper feelings going on.
It was a hard decision and an easy decision at the same time. Hard because I am putting my faith in God, he has been so present in our life these last 7 weeks and I am stepping out into the rushing water knowing he will catch me. Hard because I am having to test my trust in Gabe, trusting that he will talk about it if he feels tempted, trusting that he will not close me off and begin the circle of lies.
It has been an easy decision because he is my partner and companion. He has become such an amazing father in the last 7 weeks. Not just what he thinks a father should be, but he actually IS. Amazing how when you lose something, it becomes that much more valuable. Not only did he lose us, but we lost him too. Grace is so happy having both parents in one house. When he first moved in she would go into our closet and walk through going "all daddy's clothes here" big smiles.
Gabe and I actually have a post nuptial now attached to our marriage. It is specifically in the case of Gabe's being unfaithful in the future. If he is unfaithful he will voluntarily give me full custody of both kids as well as pay a pretty steep amount as a pain and suffering payment. Gabe is fully confident that he will absolutely never cheat again. I am confident that if he does, God will still protect me and my babies and we will live comfortably.
I love this family and I know God is working big time in each of our lives. We appreciate every minute we have and take none of it for granite. We continue to pray that God heals us individually and together as a family. We also pray that we never forget how easily it can all disappear so that we are always overcome with gratitude.
Aside from diligently working on our family life these past two weeks, we also had time for some holiday cheer. Here are a few pictures from various activities. Making cookies with good friends.
Seeing Disney on Ice with Mommy and Daddy.
Making Christmas crafts to decorate her room.
Trying out Cary's open gym and playing with Mimi.
Ice cream dates with Uncle Tay Tay.
Splashing in puddles with our new winter boots.
Grace Jacklyn & Isaac Levi,
Your Daddy and I are forever grateful for you. We are forever in love with you. We are constantly amazed by you. We want you to know that we will always be here and always listen with open hearts. We want to know about your fears and your joys. We want to cry with you when you are sad and we want to laugh with you when you are happy. When you mess up, and you will, we want to talk about it and help you get back on the right track, but we will never judge you. When you make great progress we want to celebrate with you and cheer on your success. When you realize, and someday you will, that we make mistakes too, that we have fallen short of the glory of God, we want you to know then that only God himself can be enough for you, but we will continue to strive to be an earthly example of what God's great love is all about.
xoxo
Mommy (and Daddy too)
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